I hear laughing as kids flap the wings of their bird costumes. Feathers fly in the air as the bright blues and reds of the fabric fill my vision and the playground of the Children’s Nature Academy. The only masks in sight are beaked songbirds being worn by smiling children. Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah starts playing in the background while we all start to sing along. Suddenly, I wake up and I’m transported back to my current reality, medical grade masks if I dare to venture out, no playtime or kids around, and my first Kentucky winter is in full force.
This recurring dream is bringing bittersweet emotions to the forefront. Mainly, I’m proud of the beautiful energy created by the Bluebird Restoration Project. I’m proud of the wonderful and heartfelt connections formed between the students, teachers, volunteers, bluebirds, and myself. Every single connection made during my time as the “Eau Claire Bluebird Lady” was meaningful and pivotal in forming who I am now. Reflecting on this recurring dream, I realize that it’s okay to let go and move on. To be proud of what I accomplished while living in Wisconsin. It’s now time to accept that the COVID19 pandemic has changed the course of my living situation and my mental outlook on life. I can now acknowledge that this is a way for me to reboot and reset how I feel, live, and be.
My first step is to let go of fear.
Letting go of my past fears, but taking the lessons with me.
Acknowledging my present fears, but not letting them control me
Letting go of mine and other’s future expectations of me
My second step is being patient with myself and those who surround me.
Having a disability is humbling and when I’m knocked down from the MS, I become angry and frustrated because others can’t truly feel or understand what I’m going through. The cognitive delay causes fatigue which fuels depressed feelings which creates a ripple effect into overthinking. It feels like every interaction carries expectations that I cannot fulfill, or perhaps I am assuming with every conversation comes with expectations. This cycle can go on for months pushing away even the people closest to me. Learning and practicing to be patient with myself and those surrounding me will create an energy of understanding that is absolutely necessary in my life and daily interactions.
As my new life comes barreling at me, I will continue to practice and acknowledge the many steps it will take to accept and reboot my mindset. It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to be overwhelmed. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to let go – in due time acceptance and peacefulness will come.
~ Breathe. Believe. Be. ~
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